Coping With Guilt Feelings
We share our basic emotions, such as happiness, anger and sadness, with many animals, especially with primates. Since our brain is the most developed among all creatures, some emotions are unique to humans. One of them is guilt feelings. Since most people, regardless of gender, race and culture, have the capacity to experience guilt, it may be assumed that it contributed to the survival of our ancestors. When
Grandma "Lucy"
(In chapter Evolutionary Psychology)
acted in a way that caused physical or emotional pain to a member of her family, she probably felt very guilty. The
guilt feeling made her contemplate her negative behavior; as a result, she tried her best not to repeat it. We may assume that guilt feelings
contributed to survival by enriching our ancestors' life experience as a social animal. Unfortunately, many modern humans now
experience guilt feeling; and do not think of it as enriching their life experience. On the contrary, they think of it as affecting their
life negatively.
A Case Presentation:
John had severe guilt feelings during the last 12 years, and he knows exactly why. He shared with me that his wife became pregnant a few months before their wedding. After a very painful discussion, they decided on having an abortion. John's guilt relates to the fact that he grew up in a religious family. Every member of his family relates to abortion as a severe sin, that deserves God's punishment. During the last 12 years, John has been punishing himself almost daily by intrusive thoughts about their unborn baby. The couple has sexual relations very
seldom and John, unconsciously, does not allow himself to enjoy it. John's wife is aware of his guilt feelings and she encouraged him to
seek psychotherapy.
I looked at John and in in an authoritarian voice: "I agree. You do deserve a severe punishment," was my spontaneous reaction. "You agreed to do something that was against your religious belief. On the other hand, even a person who committed a murder and is incarcerated is
released after a few years for good behavior. You committed a crime 12 years ago and during all that time, you put yourself in a psychological jail. The question that we have to investigate is, do you deserve to be released for good behavior or should you continue to
be punished to the rest of your life?"
"I am very moral person. I go to church every Sunday and I do not commit any immoral acts. We raise our two daughters as good Christians." John's voice was very stern.
"If you were John's judge, would you recommend releasing him from his psychological jail?" I challenged him.
"No way" He said very quickly. "If I were again 27 years old, and had to make a decision between getting married to a pregnant woman, or
going along with an abortion, I am sure I would choose to have the abortion. So you see, I deserve to stay in my psychological jail
forever." John looked down with tears in his eyes.
"Your way of thinking is wrong." I said in a supportive tone of voice. "God made us feel guilty not to punish us for wrong doing, but to help us to learn from past mistakes. You have to ask yourself, "Did I learn something during the last 12 years from my wrong doing?" "If you were again 27 years old, with your current life experience or if your oldest daughter was pregnant, before her wedding, and consulted with you what to do, would you encourage her to have an abortion?"
John reacted very quickly: "No way in the world would. I would convince my wife and encourage my daughter to keep the baby and ignore what people would whisper behind her back. It is more important for a person to behave according to his basic beliefs instead of being afraid of gossips." He remained quiet for a few minutes and then he asked in a hesitant voice. "Do you think I deserve to be released from my psychological jail, since I learned from my wrong doing? Am I allowed to be happy, to enjoy sexual relationships?"
"Don't ask me." I answered. "Ask the judge who lives inside you."
"Maybe it is okay to let me out of my jail. Maybe it is okay to enjoy my life with my wife and my two daughters. I have been suffering for such a long time." He said in a low voice.
"Allow me to act officially as a psychological advisor to the court." I said to John. Since he nodded his head in approval, I continued. "Your honorable judge, according to my professional experience, I would not recommend releasing the prisoner from jail. Serving 12 years in jail is a very long period. If he is released, he may experience difficulties adjusting to his freedom. I recommend releasing him gradually. Maybe,
during the first month, let him enjoy his freedom only two days a week, but each week on different days. If he shows positive adjustments, the following month we can let him be free for more days of the week.
"Dr. Elitzur, I am glad you are the advisor of my court. I accept your recommendation." John's voice sounded very authoritarian. "I order the release of the prisoner form jail Tuesday and Friday, during this week. Next week I order the prisoner to be evaluated by Dr. Elitzur, who will advise the court for future procedures."
John continued therapy for a few more months. He experienced many ups and downs in his mood. Gradually the couple enjoyed sexual relationships more frequently and his general mood improved.
Children and adults, who suffer prolonged guilt feelings, generally tend to have a cautious personality more than their peers. Since “knowledge is power”, it eases for self-acceptance and for positive coping with guilt feelings, reading of the chapter
"Cautious vs. Daring" is recommended.